Crack'D! Johto Style!
by Aladar
Summary: The Mafia Professor? What's up with Silver's hair? Is Bugsy really a hermaphrodite? Is Jasmine really into THAT kind of things! Pryce the Pimp? Lance, Clair and the cape fetish? All this and many many more in Crack'D- the Pokémon world unraveled!
1. Souls of Scrap and Hearts of Copper!

Okay, folks, bear with me! School's a bitch recently but since I don't want to stop writing stuff and posting it, I picked up this little project of mine that actually started out as a blog some time ago. It's short and to the pun(ch) so I can both slowly work on bigger projects and post at least one chap of this a weak, because it's relatively short and funny and all. This here crackfic covers all the crazy things in the Pokémon games- the overdone prof intro, the whole world seemingly (r)evolving around battling critters, the Syndrome of the Stalking Champion, what's up with Silver's hair and more and more and more! Now, let it all BEGIN! Muahahaha! Flame, review, just give me your opinion on whether to continue! Do tell!

Disssc-lamer: I own a pair of shorts that are comfy and easy to wear. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

_**Chapter UNO!**__** Souls of Scrap and Hearts of Copper!**_

_**Of The Pedo Professor, the Crazy Neighbor Girl and the Awesomeness That Is a Nucking Futs Starter**_

One dark, stormy night when the destiny of the very world was about to be forged, along with fried burritos, mentos and the most sacred item beating all other Infinity + 1 items of them all- Ronald! McDonald's! HAAAAIIIRRR!

Anywayz…

"Yawn, huh, who are you?"

I should be asking the old geezer that. What's he doing barging into my house late at night? Huh? Late at night? Where's my bat?

"We live in a world full of Pokemon, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

Now while he's rambling, I can knock him out, tie him up and feed him to the Tentacruel in the nearby lake... And why the heck is he rambling things everybody knows about anyway? I've been living in this world for quite some time, figures I'd know what Pokemon are.

"Now are you a boy or are you a girl?"

Holy smokes, the old geezers not only a thief but a pedo-ursaring! Forget the bat, I'm going for the steel pipe. And heck, can't he see I'm male.? Gosh, old geezer guy's probably blind, too. Then again, he's a pedo-ring.

Steal pipe it is.

"And what is your name?"

WHERE'S THE FRIGGIN' PIPE?

I've to distract him some more, I guess. Till I find that darn pipe at least. Of course, there's no way I'm telling him my real name. Can't tell him I'm Ethan- Jimmy Gold/Heart, so I went for Snarky.

"Blah, blah, blah a world of adventure awaits you, blah, blah..."

AHA! Found i-

*KAPOW!*

Huh, why did the world suddenly go black? The heck! Old geezer guy knocked me out before I knocked out him. Still, I guess he just left, my clothes are still on. Phew, got lucky.

Went to get breakfast but my mother shoved me outside before I could even grab a bite. And what's with her calling me Snarky? She named me Ethan in the first place.

"Snarky's house"

THE FUCK?

After dealing with the neighbour girl (I think she's high or something again. Or maybe she's not quite right in the head) and her annyoing blue blob of a rat (the moment I get a Pokemon of my own, I'm frying that Maril for dinner) I went to see what the prof next door wanted. Poor guy can't get a girl so he buries himself in researching the mating habits of Pokemon. Still, no one's seen him doing any beastiary stuff. Yet.

...

Run that by me again? You want me to run an errand for you? Do I look like I care?

...

A Pokemon? Hey, that's cool. I guess I need one to fry that Maril. Cool. You've got a deal, 4Eyez Guy. Chose the Totodile. Named him Snapper. Lil guy's got one heck of a mean bite.

SUPER-EXTRA-SPECIAL-AWESOME NEWSFLASH! INTRODUCING!1! Starter and very first Pokemon on the team, Snapper:

"Why, 'ello dar, bitches! Da Dile's in da house so ya better not with mah homie, Snarky. Cause- lemme tell ya sumthin'- when Snapper gets angry… SNAPPER WILL MAKE YA SHIT BRICKS! *bitchslaps random Elm aide* That was for emphasis, bitch!"

Hell to the yeah, fistbump Snapper!

Beat up some wild Pokemon on the way to Cherrygrove. Lil guy needs to train so we could rip apart the Maril, yknow.

When I entered the town some old guy insisted I went on a tour round the place with him. Why'd I go with that geezer anyway? Get out of my...

The heck? How can he run so fast? Running shoes? Hey, gimme those, I want them! After chasing that *pant* old lunatic *pant* round the whole of Cherrygrove he *pant* gave me a new pair for myself. Without me beating him. *pant* Even better.

Trained some more for my ultimate revenge on the way to Mr. Pokemon's house. And what kind of stupid name's that anyway? He's obviously hiding from the mafia and Elm's into it, too.

...

WHAT?

Old Geezer Guy's there, too? It's revenge time, ya dipstick! Snapper, show him how you got your name!

"Lemme tell ya sumthin, Samuel MOTHEREFFING Oak, when you EFFF with mah homiez, Snapper's gonna EFFF YA BIG TIME!"

Wut?

A Pokedex? Well, bribes from the mafia aren't a good thing but hey, I can always take my revenge on you later, Old Geezer Guy. Mr. Pokemon gave me an egg to get to Elm. Guess it's some exotic omelette mafia stuff. On the way back, Elm phoned. Wanted my help, PRONTO! Again. They don't pay me enough for this. The heck, they don't pay me at all.

On the way back I bumped into some wierd red headed chick. Nice hair but, URRGH, she looks like a dude.

And then _it_ talked.

THE FUCK! Dude looks like a lady!

Newsflash!1! Snapper's expert opinion on the situation:

"… Snapper is severely confounded!"

You heard it, folks! Anywayz…

You're calling me a wimp? Oh, your in for it now, mate! OHKO! Without a critical hit! How's that for a wimp! Plus, I nabbed his trainer card while he wasn't looking. I was checking for a credit card but, y'know how this stuff is. No time, the target's moving. Gave it back to him cause I had no use for it.

Turns out Chick-dude's the one that had stollen the Chikorita. Should've figured it out. If I had nabbed the poke ball from him instead of the trainer card, they'd all blame him! Told them he was named Silver. Even I'm not cruel enough to reveal to the police and the whole wide world that his real name is Ezekiel Mary-Ann Lipsky. Heh, Mary-Ann!

Stupid copper thought I stole the Chikorita. But out of all the people in the world, crazy neighbour girl saved me. Maybe she's that not bad after all. I guess I can be kind enough to only dismember her Maril and not fry it.

Then the Prof send me on an adventure. Guess he wanted me away so he could eat that exotic omelette alone. On the way out of town I met that Lyra chick again. She gave me some free poke balls (I like free stuff) and decided to show me how to catch a Pokemon.

... the fuck? You just jump up and down in the bushes. Why don't you show me again, at the rate of a normal human and not at the speed of a junkie?

"Watch carefully now, blah, blah, blah, weaken it, blah, blah..."

Ya bet I'm watching carefully, those are some hips ,baby!

"Kthxbai!"

WHAT? She ran away with the blue blobl- blabl, err, bleabr, uhm… blob! My revenge is ruined! Let's go, Snapper. Caught a Sentret. Named her Fluffy. Cause, y'know, she's all fluffy and stuff. And now, for the one and only Fluffy, second addition to the team!

"OH-EM-GEE!1! I'm, like, so psyched to be here with y'all! We're gonna be best buds and do everything together and have sleepovers and bake cookies and… *like, about 18 hours later* and when we're finally Champions I'm gonna settle down and have a family!"

"Snapper's brain activity has been hampered majorly… comprende?"

"KAWAIII~~ I want to bear your children *glomps aforementioned unfortunate Totodile*!"

"The EFFF? Err, wut the… no-no-NO! Private parts not- don't… Snapper is getting highly disturbed here! And lemme tell ya sumthin, ya won't like a highly dis- AARGGH! RECALL ME ALREADY!"

Okaaay….

Aha! A trainer to battle!

"Top percentage of all Ratatta!"

What the _heck_ is he blabbering on so enthusiastically about? Maybe he knows some technique to psych up your Pokemon to super-powerful levels. Guess I'll give it a try.

Snapper, Scratch! Go, boy, you're in the TOP! FUCKINGG! PERCENTAGE! OF ALL TOTODILE!

"A Rattata? You're sending me out against an EFFFING RATTATA! Lemme tell ya sumthin, Snapper does NOT get send out against losers like this, get wut I'm saying? Y'know why? Cause Snapper's gonna make 'em cry! How, you're asking? Like this, BITCHES!"

*remember girls getting mind-raped in Evangelion, the chestbuster from the 80s and that one scene from Bakemonogatari that they had to show only in oddly colored silhouettes because the main character was literally getting swung around by his own guts? Well, _this_… this was worse*

Anywayz, OHKO. Without the help of a critical. Holy cow, this stuff works. Course, I'll give you my number, Joey dude. I declare you my eternal rival now! You're obviosuly super strong!

Finally reached Violet City. Learned that the gym leader's a Flying type specialist so I went out of my way to catch a Mareeeeep. Named him Sparky. Such originality. The surrounding world must be rubbing off on me.

SUPER-CRAZY-AWESOME-INTRO!1! Sparky the Mareep:

"Is this thing on? Err, ya sure? Oh, okay then! *smears Joker make-up all over his face, proceeds to talk to the camera, imitating the Joker's voice… in the most squeakiest falsetto you can possibly imagine* Why. So. Serious?"

*camera gets torn off, Snapper the Totodile's face fills the whole screen now*

"WHY SO SIRIUS? WHY, YOU ASKING? Lemme tell ya sumthin, bitch, this here team has only one alpha male and lemme tell ya sumthin, it ain't you! Get wut I'm saying or do I have to make myself more clearer?"

And so, the ragtag bunch of misfits, consisting of one severely egocentric human boy, his positively nucking futs _totally_ crazy Totodile, a Sentret on a constant sugar high and one lunatic of a Mareep with a bad case of split personalities set of towards the sunset, in a quest for glory, bad puns, fame, money, cute girls and a whole lot of other crazy things.

_**Ta Bi Continewt…**_


	2. Sup, Lil' Mon!

_**Chapter DEUX! Sup, lil' mon?**_

_**Of Wiggling Bellsprout, Super Special Monk Tea and Pirates**_

This is a story of bravery! Friendship! Young love! Of a bright new generation that fights for the future, willing to face the most terrifying foes and yet be able to emerge victorious out of the vicious battles against evil by relying on wit, force of will and, most importantly, the bonds shared by one tightly-knit group of completely unrelated strangers! This is the story of an altruistic young man, ready and willing to risk his life to save others in need. This is the story about the people willing to go beyond the impossible, be it reasonable or not, if a life of a comrade depends on it!

It was a harsh winter day, one unlike any other the land had endured in centuries. The thick veil of the constant hail hid any trace of the already weakened Sol from view and howling blizzards, as if unleashed by the Ice Queen herself, raced across the unfortunate countryside, as if carrying the blight itself on their scaly wings, for not a single thing was able to survive nature's wrath. The people were kept hostage in their own homes, hopelessly praying for some miracle to put a stop to the seemingly divine punishment. They were, to put it simply, scared. Scared for themselves, their homes and crops, of whether they were going to open their eyes the following morning as the freezing wind found its way through even the tiniest of cracks between even the thick brick walls of the mightiest castles.

Indeed, all of them were scared. Save for one young man, one boy who-

*record scratch*

Who the heck wants to hear _that_ story anyway?

Nowadays it's all fairytales and pwetty ponies, and green ogres who end up marrying the damsel in distress. Which, of course, is outright gross taking in consideration the rather… intimate biological differences of, like, total importance that are part of the reproductive systems of both humans and other kinds of monstrous critters. I mean, can you even imagine an ogre, a real, three-meter tall, green-skinned, flesh-eating, baby-devouring brute of an ogre doing the mattress mambo with one lithe, smooth-skinned, ample-breasted, total hottie of a human woman?

What kind of a sick, fucked-up brain would think of a movie like that? Even my mentally-unstable, emotionally-scarred for no apparent reason, narcissistic psyche can't think of something so sick and wrong, that actually shouts, err, shoots up all the way to the wrong-sick top of disturbingness! And that slimy, evil creep at the theater said it was a kids' movie! Do you mean to tell me that this, _this_ is what the future generation should watch while growing up?

"…?"

No, Heimlich, of course I didn't watch the whole movie! Would _you_ like to sit through a love scene and watch _that _while calmly eating your high-cholesterol popcorn and taking sips of that liquid acid that they call coke? Heck, my pal said they have babies in the sequels! _Babies_, peepz! What kind of a sicko would actually willingly feature an orc/human hybrid in a freakin' children's movie? Can a human woman even give birth to such monstrosities and live? And the dragon, people, the freakin' dragon had babies from that klutz of a talking hoofed menace! How on Earth did-

I mean, the size and the-

Arceus be merciful, the whole Arceus-forsaken donkey should be able to fit into the, the, URRR—GGG-GHHH! _I_ don't even want to go there. And in an Arceus' name, what the Ho-ho-hoo-hah, err, Ho-Oh, is a bloody Arceus?

"…!"

No, Heimlich, I don't care what you have to say. Like, at all. Now be a dude and shut the Distortion World up because, if you cannot see I'M TRYING TO TELL A FUCKING STORY HERE, DAMMIT! No one wants to hear your story, mine is, like, a totally epic tale of dudeness and features the cold, hard, _gruesome_ reality in which Fire beats Grass, Grass beats Water, Water beats Fire and no matter how many freakin' times you're actually dumb enough to try it, going for that darn bloody horn NEVER! EVER! WORKS!

Okay, smartasses, who left the Caps Lock on again?

Anywayz, back to my story, which is, like, totally awesome because, like, since it is my story and, like, mine alone, it totally features, like, me.

Okaaay, mental note: never let Fluffy handle the editing of the script EVAH again.

Darn jam-able Caps Lock button…

Turned out that Violet City's soopuh-hypuh-ubuh famous Sprout Tower, which no one actually cared abour, was filled with monks blabbering on _very_ enthusiastically about chants and stuff. Blah, blah, blah, peace homie, blah, blah, blah and all that. But for all their peace-talking and sprouting (gosh, they're really rubbing of on me now- bad puns and all) shao-lingo, the monks train Pokemon their whole lives. And battle. A lot. Not that their good at it. At all. Figures, with 'em wimpy Bellsprout they have.

Besides, that tower of theirs? Supposedly the wiggling base's madeof the main body of a 100 ft tall Bellsprout. So their ancestors killed the poor little bugger, cut him up and used his stiffened carcass as a base for the building? If that's not 'peaceful living with the surrounding world, PEACE HOMIE' I don't know what is.

Yep, my genius brain quickly deducted that behind all that shao-lingo about peace of theirs was actually a vicious sect. Heck, they're probably keeping that giant Bellsprout alive to this day so they can torture it! The head's probably hidden in the attic. Surely, that's why the base's still wiggling!

Urgent Newsflash! Snapper the Totodile wants to have a word with YOU!

"…Uhm, Boss? Why did everyone suddenly run away?"

Uhm, your violent urges and behavior as pleasant as a mutated rampaging Tyranitar in a now-endangered time travel spirit-blessed forest made them all flee for their lives.

"Gosh dang it to heck! "

Not a single cuss word? I'm impressed, it seems the fourteenth therapist we hired for you has actually made some improvement with your anger management issues.

"Issues? You think _I_ have issues? LEMME TELL YA SUMTHIN, mate, do I _look_ like I have issues? Huh? DO I?"

Amphibian pal of mine you, err, have a little foam over there…

Totally Unnecessary Intrusion to the Plot! Fluffy the Sentret interf- waaait a minute, this isn't in the script! Wut? How? FLUFFY!

"Like, oh-em-gee, I so totally not care how angry you are Diley-pooh! You're always gonna be my munchkin! *glomps the Totodile, _again_*"

I should put a freakin' lock on my balls, with 'em guys bursting out left and right whenever they feel like it.

Somehow, that didn't come out as I intended.

And what the heck is hanging off your claws, Fluffy? What's this elastic, semi-transparent… pinkish… _Explanation_, now.

"Like, that's so totally _not_ the remnants of that girl's face who I _think_ looked the wrong way at Snapper earlier! *giggles* Silly boss!"

Okaaay, I'm seriously considering a very possible future trade here…

"…S-snapper… can't…breathe… get her… off."

"Silly, Snapper, we're, like, destined to be together forever and ever and ever and-"

"SNAPPER, REALY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY _REALLY _WANTS TO GET BACK IN HIS POKÉ BALL! _Please?_"

Please? Please? PLEASE? With her around, we don't even have to pay for his therapy anymore. Tzk, time to move on, I guess. Towards the top floor of the tower! This will probably be a good place to train Fluffy and Sparky. Hokay now, through the door, up the stairs, round that corner and- aha! Our very first opponent!

"Allo dar, mon! Suuup?"

Okay team, who's the idiot in charge of navigation? Cause that can't possibly be a monk from the freakin' soopah-famous Sprout Tower.

"Ya jus gotta try dis out, mon! Tis some very potent stuff we brew 'ere. Tis our special monk meditation tea, made o' shed Bellsprout leaves an' roots and freshly squeezed head… bell… thingies."

Meditation, eh? So that's how they call it nowadays.

"Relax, lil' mon. Ya makin' me craaazy. Tis tea, like, opens up aaall our chakras and senses and I can hear y'all even when yer jus whisperin'! No shoutin' in da towah!"

Us all? There's only one of me…

"Lil' mon, now, we've ta duke it out and if I win, yer gonna get yo head shaved and be one o' us! Go, Bellsprout, mah mon!"

And if I, by some miracle- because there's totally no chance whatsoever of me winning against a delirious monk with a single Pokémon, manage to wipe the floor of this stinky three-story shack with you?

"Ya can get yo head shaved and become one o' us, mon. Tis a total honor."

For some unfathomable for the human mind reason, I think I'll pass. Anyway, now for a theory of mine. Go, Fluffy! This dipstick and his Bellsprout said there's no possible way you and Snapper can get together!

*one helluva carnage later*

Holly tap-dancing Arceus on a pogo stick…

I think the phrase 'I am not even _one_ percent sure but I think I _probably_, just _maybe_, overheard them _vaguely_ suggesting that there is the _tiniest_ most _littlest_ amount of chance you and Snapper are not going to get together' would have been plenty enough in that situation. Then again, no use crying over spilled blood. No, guts! Err, intestines? Tzk. I think I'll just stick to the Moo-moo-milk. And on the contrary of what some of you may think, I so totally did _not _tell my Pokémon to loot the maimed corpses, or whatever was left of them anyway, for the extra _special_ monk tea.

"H-h-hey, Boooss! Lemme tell ya sumthin, mah mon, tis some really cool shi-"

Snapper, I clearly told you _loot_, not _consume_! Err, I mean, I like so totally did not tell you to do either of these morally ambiguous actions!

*Snapper faints*

Good thing I decided not to use him today. Tzk, better carry him, he'll need the air. Oopsie-da-"

*Totodile clutches his trainer's collar, cue said Totodile's crazy bloodshot wiiide-eyed face*

"Lemme tell ya sumthin, mate- YA WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME!"

Enough with the impersonations already! You're not even of the feline family! Anywayz, with 'em monks, err, beaten up good, I quickly reached the sect leader. And there, in the final room in the tallest tower, which is- actually- only one, was _it_! Mary-Ann! So is he in the sect, too? Holy cow, he's probably an eunuch! Least that'd explain the squeaky voice.

Then again, Silver-slash-Mary-hyphen-Ann turned out not to be in all that voodoo stuff after all. But before I can beat his wimpy ass and get the Chikorita, he hightailed it out of the place. By spinning. On one place.

Voodoo, I'm telling ya! I told you that place was evil. Or, if I have not, I'm telling you now.

It was high time I faced the vicious sect leader- the top floor had been spared from Fluffy's earlier emotional, uhm, outburst and it seemed that Sparky the Mareep was going into the fray this time, type disadvantage or not.

"Allo dar, mateys! Who's da sorry landlubber me paws are gonna scrub da deck with today?"

Explanation. Like, about now?

"Well, I be a pirate, matey!"

Yeah, between the eyepatch and the hat, I am absolutely unable to tell this without you telling me. What happened to the Joker falsetto impersonation?

"Errm, t'was a phase, matey. 'Sides, t'was hell on me vocal cords!"

Oh, just forget about it. We've to think fast on how to beat this sect leader guy cause he… so totally called out two Bellsprout at once. I'd ask about the rules but then again, when was the last time this world actually made any sense whatsoever?

"Screw the rules, lil' mon, I've da powah!"

Such originality. 'Tis baffling even. Okay, Long John, any bright ideas?

"In fact, matey, I've just da one!"

*brandishes out a plastic knife stolen from the Pokémon Center out of his fleece- the rest is not suitable for viewing by minors*

"STAB! STAB! STABBITY! KILL! MUAHAHAHA!"

As I said, not suitable for view by minors! And holy guacamole, he can do that with a _plastic_ knife?

Sect Leader- BEATEN, CRUNCHED AND TOSSED ASIDE! And he even gave me a HM after that. Okay, it fell off his robes when he was trying to scurry away from Sparky but it's the thought that counts, no? Not that I know what a HM is anyway. Let's see… it's obviously a disk of some sort and HM must stand for… Heavy? Homeless? Hiccup? Horny? M… Horny m-m-e-GUAAH!

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!

And one last thing for today- jumping out of a third floor window? Not the smartest thing to do when panicking, folks.

**Ta Be Continewt**


End file.
